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Psychology, family and everyday life

What you can say: words that support

When talking with a loved one who is ill, many people fear "saying the wrong thing" and stay silent. Yet simple, sincere words are a great support. This section suggests phrases that help.

Last updated: ~1 min read
Two women on a sofa, one comforting the other
Figure 1.Being there matters more than words

01Short answer

Words that help: "I am here." "How are you, really?" "If you want to talk, I am listening." "What would help this week? I can do the shopping." "I don't know what to say, but I think about you a lot." "This is really hard; what you feel is normal." The main rule is to listen more and advise less. Silence is fine too. Let the person choose the topic; ordinary talk (films, work, news) is support too. Keep in touch regularly, even with a single message.

02Simple explanation

"I am here".

Listen.

Offer specific help.

Regular contact.

03Scientific explanation

NCI: open, sincere communication with family and friends reduces a patient's loneliness.

NCI: most people facing cancer feel anxiety, sadness or anger; support and treatment improve quality of life.

04What happens in the body?

Listening

Listening without interrupting or correcting is the strongest support.

Ordinary life

Conversations not about the illness give a sense of normality.

Psycho-oncology

The field of medicine focused on the emotional needs of people with cancer.

Small steps

Breathing, movement, sleep and talking, a little each day.

05Support: four steps

Feel it, name it, share it, get help.

Feel — Allow your feelings.1FeelAllow your feelings.
Name — Say what you feel.2NameSay what you feel.
Share — Talk to someone close.3ShareTalk to someone close.
Get help — Reach out to a specialist.4Get helpReach out to a specialist.
AttentionListen to yourself.
ConnectionYou are not alone.
SupportA specialist is there.

06Key points at a glance

TopicIn brief
ListeningListening without interrupting or correcting is the strongest support.
Ordinary lifeConversations not about the illness give a sense of normality.
Psycho-oncologyThe field of medicine focused on the emotional needs of people with cancer.
Small stepsBreathing, movement, sleep and talking, a little each day.

07Key terms

Active listening
Listening attentively and asking questions.
Empathy
Understanding another person's feelings.
Psychologist
A specialist in emotional support.
Distress
Emotional strain linked to illness.

08Key points

  • Listen.
  • Be sincere.
  • Keep in touch.
  • Feelings are normal.
  • Ask for support.

09Frequently asked questions

What if they cry?

Stay with them; crying is normal.

What if they do not want to talk about it?

Respect that and talk about something else.

Does seeing a psychologist mean I am "crazy"?

No. It is looking after yourself in a hard situation.

10Questions for your doctor

Take these questions to your appointment. The ones you save are collected on the “My questions” page and stay on this device only.

  1. What if they cry?

  2. What if they do not want to talk about it?

  3. Does seeing a psychologist mean I am "crazy"?

My questions

12Sources

  1. National Cancer Institute. Talking with Family and Friends
  2. National Cancer Institute. Feelings and Cancer
  3. National Cancer Institute. Adjusting to Cancer
  4. National Cancer Institute. Support for Caregivers
  5. World Health Organization. Mental health: strengthening our response
  6. NHS. Shortness of breath
  7. Macmillan Cancer Support. Breathlessness
  8. Cancer Research UK. Breathing problems with cancer
  9. MedlinePlus (U.S. National Library of Medicine). Using an incentive spirometer
  10. Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. How To Use Your Incentive Spirometer
Medical disclaimerThis information is for educational purposes only and does not replace medical advice.
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