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Psychology, family and everyday life

What is better left unsaid: well-meant words that hurt

Some words are said with good intentions but hurt the person, blame them or make them feel alone. This section explains which phrases to avoid and what to say instead.

Last updated: ~1 min read
A crumpled ball of paper on a surface
Figure 1.Some well-meant words are better left unsaid

01Short answer

Phrases to avoid: "Everything will be fine" (you cannot promise; say "I am here"). "Think positive, or else..." (it shifts blame). "I know how you feel" (we do not; ask "How are you feeling?"). "Why did you get ill, was it stress?" (“Self-blame: "What did I do wrong?"”). Frightening stories about other people. Offers of miracle cures, herbs and diets: they can interfere with treatment and must be discussed with the doctor. Comments about appearance. If you say the wrong thing, simply apologise.

02Simple explanation

"Everything will be fine": do not promise.

Do not blame.

Do not offer miracle cures.

Got it wrong? Apologise.

03Scientific explanation

NCI: unproven treatments can be useless or harmful; they need to be discussed with the doctor.

NCI: most people facing cancer feel anxiety, sadness or anger; support and treatment improve quality of life.

04What happens in the body?

Toxic positivity

Not accepting sadness leaves the person alone.

Herbs

Some herbs interact with chemotherapy.

Psycho-oncology

The field of medicine focused on the emotional needs of people with cancer.

Small steps

Breathing, movement, sleep and talking, a little each day.

05Support: four steps

Feel it, name it, share it, get help.

Feel — Allow your feelings.1FeelAllow your feelings.
Name — Say what you feel.2NameSay what you feel.
Share — Talk to someone close.3ShareTalk to someone close.
Get help — Reach out to a specialist.4Get helpReach out to a specialist.
AttentionListen to yourself.
ConnectionYou are not alone.
SupportA specialist is there.

06Key points at a glance

TopicIn brief
Toxic positivityNot accepting sadness leaves the person alone.
HerbsSome herbs interact with chemotherapy.
Psycho-oncologyThe field of medicine focused on the emotional needs of people with cancer.
Small stepsBreathing, movement, sleep and talking, a little each day.

07Key terms

Toxic positivity
Pressure to be positive all the time.
Unproven treatment
A method without evidence.
Psychologist
A specialist in emotional support.
Distress
Emotional strain linked to illness.

08Key points

  • Do not promise.
  • Do not blame.
  • Listen.
  • Feelings are normal.
  • Ask for support.

09Frequently asked questions

I said something wrong.

Apologise; the relationship can grow stronger.

Can I suggest herbs?

No; only the team decides.

Does seeing a psychologist mean I am "crazy"?

No. It is looking after yourself in a hard situation.

10Questions for your doctor

Take these questions to your appointment. The ones you save are collected on the “My questions” page and stay on this device only.

  1. I said something wrong.

  2. Can I suggest herbs?

  3. Does seeing a psychologist mean I am "crazy"?

My questions

12Sources

  1. National Cancer Institute. Complementary and Alternative Medicine
  2. National Cancer Institute. Feelings and Cancer
  3. National Cancer Institute. Adjusting to Cancer
  4. National Cancer Institute. Support for Caregivers
  5. World Health Organization. Mental health: strengthening our response
  6. National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health (NIH). Relaxation Techniques: What You Need To Know
  7. National Cancer Institute. Self-Image and Sexuality
  8. U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. Mold Course Chapter 2: Why and Where Mold Grows
  9. NHS. Cuts and grazes
  10. NHS. Nosebleed
Medical disclaimerThis information is for educational purposes only and does not replace medical advice.
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