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Psychology, family and everyday life

Self-blame: "What did I do wrong?"

After diagnosis many people blame themselves or loved ones: "I went too late", "I was stressed", "I ate badly", "I passed something to my child". These feelings are natural, but they are usually not based on facts.

Last updated: ~1 min read
A thoughtful woman sitting by a window
Figure 1.Leukaemia is not your fault

01Short answer

In most cases of leukemia the cause is random genetic changes in blood cells; diet, stress or personal behaviour do not create them. Parents did not cause their child's leukemia. Some risk factors exist (such as certain chemicals or previous treatment), but they are not personal blame either. When a blaming thought comes, name it and speak to yourself as you would to a close friend. If the feelings persist, talk to a psychologist; guilt can be part of depression.

02Simple explanation

Leukemia is not your fault.

The cause is usually chance.

Parents are not to blame.

Speak to yourself kindly.

03Scientific explanation

NCI: most leukemias are linked to genetic changes in blood cells that arise by chance during life.

NCI: most people facing cancer feel anxiety, sadness or anger; support and treatment improve quality of life.

04What happens in the body?

"If only..." thoughts

The past cannot be changed; put your energy into the steps now.

In the family

Family members may blame themselves too; talk about it openly.

DNA
Figure 3.DNA — Self-blame: "What did I do wrong?"

Psycho-oncology

The field of medicine focused on the emotional needs of people with cancer.

Small steps

Breathing, movement, sleep and talking, a little each day.

05Support: four steps

Feel it, name it, share it, get help.

Feel — Allow your feelings.1FeelAllow your feelings.
Name — Say what you feel.2NameSay what you feel.
Share — Talk to someone close.3ShareTalk to someone close.
Get help — Reach out to a specialist.4Get helpReach out to a specialist.
AttentionListen to yourself.
ConnectionYou are not alone.
SupportA specialist is there.

06Key points at a glance

TopicIn brief
"If only..." thoughtsThe past cannot be changed; put your energy into the steps now.
In the familyFamily members may blame themselves too; talk about it openly.
Psycho-oncologyThe field of medicine focused on the emotional needs of people with cancer.
Small stepsBreathing, movement, sleep and talking, a little each day.

07Key terms

Genetic mutation
A change in a cell's DNA.
Self-compassion
Treating yourself with kindness.
Psychologist
A specialist in emotional support.
Distress
Emotional strain linked to illness.

08Key points

  • It is not your fault.
  • Name the thought.
  • Talk.
  • Feelings are normal.
  • Ask for support.

09Frequently asked questions

I went to the doctor late; is that why?

Leukemia can develop quickly; treatment starts now, and that is what matters.

Will my child inherit it?

Most leukemias are not inherited; ask your doctor.

Does seeing a psychologist mean I am "crazy"?

No. It is looking after yourself in a hard situation.

10Questions for your doctor

Take these questions to your appointment. The ones you save are collected on the “My questions” page and stay on this device only.

  1. I went to the doctor late; is that why?

  2. Will my child inherit it?

  3. Does seeing a psychologist mean I am "crazy"?

My questions

12Sources

  1. National Cancer Institute. Feelings and Cancer
  2. National Cancer Institute. Adjusting to Cancer
  3. National Cancer Institute. Support for Caregivers
  4. World Health Organization. Mental health: strengthening our response
  5. National Cancer Institute. Skin and Nail Changes during Cancer Treatment
  6. National Cancer Institute. Coping – Life After Cancer Treatment
  7. National Cancer Institute. Coping – Cancer Support Groups
  8. National Cancer Institute. Sexual Health Issues in Women and Cancer Treatment
  9. National Cancer Institute. Sexual Health Issues in Men and Cancer Treatment
  10. National Cancer Institute (NCI). Spirituality in Cancer Care (PDQ®) – Patient Version
Medical disclaimerThis information is for educational purposes only and does not replace medical advice.
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