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Treatment and the treatment process

How to support a loved one in intensive care

When someone you love is in intensive care, feeling helpless is natural. But families can do a great deal: be present, talk, bring familiar things, stay in touch with the team, and look after themselves too. This topic gathers practical, calm advice — from preparing for a visit to keeping a diary.

Last updated: ~5 min read
On a dark navy background, a translucent glowing house shape with hearts shining close together inside it, blood cells around.
Figure 1.A family’s love and presence are a strong support, in intensive care too.

01Short answer

The main ways to support a loved one in intensive care: learn the unit’s visiting rules, clean your hands on the way in and out, and stay away if you are unwell; speak calmly, use their name, tell them the day and where they are, and hold their hand if allowed; bring familiar things such as glasses, hearing aids and a family photo; choose one family member to keep in touch with the team and write your questions down; keep a simple diary if you wish. Your loved one may be confused or may not recognize you — this is often temporary delirium, not a reaction to you. Look after yourself as well: eating, sleeping, taking breaks and accepting help matter. Asking for psychological support for the family is normal.

02Simple explanation

In intensive care, family members are not visitors but part of care. A familiar voice, a touch and ordinary everyday conversation help a person remember where they are and who they are.

The first visit can be hard: tubes, machines, sounds, swelling, pallor. Asking the nurse beforehand what you will see softens the shock.

Someone with leukemia has weakened immunity, so protecting them from infection matters especially: hand hygiene, not visiting when unwell, and following the unit’s rules.

Sometimes your loved one seems confused, says strange things or does not recognize you. This can be delirium caused by serious illness and medicines. Stay calm, do not argue, and tell the nurse.

You get tired too. Long waits, fear and uncertainty drain your strength. Looking after yourself is what makes it possible to support your loved one for the long haul.

03Scientific explanation

Family-centered care: the Society of Critical Care Medicine guidelines (2017) recommend giving families the chance to take part, holding regular family meetings, explaining information clearly and attending to the family’s emotional needs. This can reduce anxiety and stress in relatives.

ICU diaries: in a randomized trial (Critical Care, 2010), a diary of the ICU stay — notes and photos from family and nurses — reduced new post-traumatic stress disorder in patients afterwards. A diary helps a person make sense of the “lost days”.

Delirium: according to MedlinePlus, delirium is sudden confusion during serious illness, infection or with certain medicines. Orientation (date, place, familiar faces), glasses and hearing aids, a day–night rhythm and familiar voices can help ease it.

Caregivers’ health: the NCI and the American Cancer Society stress that caregivers are also at risk of exhaustion, anxiety and depression. They recommend accepting help, taking breaks and seeking professional support when needed.

04What happens in the body?

Before you visit

Call the unit to ask about visiting times, how many people can come in at once and what not to bring (often no flowers or home-cooked food). If you feel unwell, do not come. If you want to bring children, talk to the team first and prepare the child in simple words.

At the bedside

Clean your hands, approach calmly, say their name and who you are. Tell them the day, the weather, family news. If allowed, hold their hand or touch their forehead. Do not touch tubes or machines. Silence is fine too — simply sitting with them is support.

On a dark navy background, two hands gently touching at the edge of a bed in soft golden light, no faces visible.
Figure 2.A calm touch and a familiar voice can give your loved one a sense of safety.

Familiar things and orientation

Glasses, hearing aids, dentures, a family photo, favourite music (with headphones), a small calendar showing the date. These help your loved one understand where they are and feel calmer. Ask the nurse first what you can bring.

An ICU diary

In a simple notebook, write each day what happened, who came and any small steps forward. Later your loved one can read it and understand the “lost days”. It can ease your own feelings too. Some units keep diaries together with the nurses.

On a dark navy background, an open blank notebook, reading glasses and a glowing frame on a bedside table in warm lamplight.
Figure 3.A diary and familiar things help your loved one keep track of time and place.

Talking with the team

Choose one family member as the contact so information does not get mixed up. Write down questions in advance, and the answers too. You can ask for a family meeting with the doctors. It is fine to ask for a word to be explained again. Tell the doctors what you know about your loved one’s wishes.

Looking after yourself

Eat regularly, drink water, sleep as much as you can, take short walks. Suggest that relatives take turns. Talk about your feelings — with a friend, a faith leader or a psychologist. Relatives far away can record voice messages that can be read or played to your loved one.

05Support in four steps

Protect, be present, remind, and look after yourself.

Protect — Hand hygiene; stay away if unwell.1ProtectHand hygiene; stay away if unwell.
Be present — Voice, touch, calm conversation.2Be presentVoice, touch, calm conversation.
Remind — Date, place, familiar things, a diary.3RemindDate, place, familiar things, a diary.
Care for yourself — Sleep, food, breaks, help.4Care for yourselfSleep, food, breaks, help.
Less fearA familiar voice is calming.
Family and teamClear, shared communication.
Help for memoryA diary fills the gaps later.

06A short family guide to intensive care (simplified)

SituationWhat helpsWhat to avoid
First visitAsk beforehand what you will seeTouching machines and tubes
Your loved one is drowsySpeak calmly, use their nameDiscussing hard news at the bedside
Your loved one is confusedStay calm, remind them of the date and placeArguing or correcting them
You are unwellPhone or video callComing to the unit
Many questionsWrite them down; one contact personEveryone calling separately
You are exhaustedTake turns, ask for helpWaiting for days without sleep

* Every unit has its own rules. The unit’s nurses give the most accurate information.

07Key terms

Visiting rules
The unit’s visiting times, number of visitors and hygiene requirements.
Hand hygiene
Washing hands with soap or cleaning them with alcohol rub.
Delirium
Temporary confusion during serious illness.
Orientation
A person’s awareness of time, place and people.
ICU diary
Notes written about the days in intensive care.
Family meeting
A planned conversation between the doctors and the family.
Contact person
One family member who keeps in touch with the team.
Caregiver burnout
Physical and emotional exhaustion from long-term caring.

08Key points

  • Family is part of care.
  • Learn the visiting rules in advance.
  • Stay away if unwell; clean your hands.
  • Speak calmly and use their name.
  • Familiar things help orientation.
  • Confusion is often temporary.
  • One person keeps in touch with the team.
  • Look after yourself too.

09Frequently asked questions

Can my loved one hear me?

Some people hear voices even under sedation and remember them later. So it is best to speak calmly and kindly and not to discuss difficult subjects at the bedside.

Is it normal that I cry when I see them like this?

Yes, it is very natural. If you need to, step out for a moment and breathe. You do not have to hide your feelings, but try to keep a calm tone at the bedside.

Can children visit?

It depends on the unit’s rules and the child’s age. Talk to the team first, explain to the child in simple words what they will see, and never force them. A drawing or a letter is a good alternative.

My loved one does not recognize me and says strange things — what should I do?

This is often delirium. Stay calm, do not argue, remind them of your name and the date, and tell the nurse. For many people it passes as they improve.

I live far away — how can I help?

Send voice messages, letters or photos for family or nurses to pass on. Call the contact person at an agreed time. Taking on family tasks is support too.

When should I rest?

Regularly. Intensive care is often a long road. Sleep, food and breaks are not abandoning your loved one — they are how you gather strength for them.

10Questions for your doctor

Take these questions to your appointment. The ones you save are collected on the “My questions” page and stay on this device only.

  1. Can my loved one hear me?

  2. Is it normal that I cry when I see them like this?

  3. Can children visit?

  4. My loved one does not recognize me and says strange things — what should I do?

  5. I live far away — how can I help?

  6. When should I rest?

My questions

12Sources

  1. NHS. Intensive care
  2. ICUsteps. Guide to intensive care: for relatives
  3. ICUsteps. Guide to intensive care: your time in the ICU
  4. ICUsteps. Guide to intensive care: how might I feel
  5. Society of Critical Care Medicine (SCCM). Patient and Family Resources
  6. National Cancer Institute (NCI). Support for Caregivers of Cancer Patients
  7. American Cancer Society. Caregivers and Family
  8. MedlinePlus (U.S. National Library of Medicine). Delirium
  9. Critical Care Medicine, 2017. Guidelines for Family-Centered Care in the Neonatal, Pediatric, and Adult ICU
  10. Critical Care, 2010. Intensive care diaries reduce new onset post traumatic stress disorder following critical illness: a randomised, controlled trial
  11. World Health Organization (WHO). Hand hygiene
Medical disclaimerThis information is for educational purposes only and does not replace medical advice.
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